The price she had to pay…
Hey guys, so I was just glancing through my previous post and I chanced on one of my favorite articles. “When I spotted him” though a true life story of an anonymous person, FYI (I’m not going back to my old state) 😀 somehow, I just felt like continuing the storyline… Read chapter One and Two yet?
You can find both chapters here
This is the Sequel to both chapters…My story continues…
I had spent many of my days after chapter two, fighting with myself on whether or not I should spill it all out in person to him. Probably, he didn’t get my message or could be playing an open-minded game.
My rational mind knew more than anything that seeing him would be a bad idea, a grave mistake for it would spark different kinds of emotions in me. My love for him was strong, stronger than ever, his abscence had made my heart grow fonder and that had in turn made me scared, scared of him, scared of setting my sunken eyes on him, scared that he would read through me like his favourite childhood book and he would find my love for him deeply embedded in every nerve I possess and he would take advantage of it, of me.
We became very close and closer than I imagined. We spoke about everything and saw each other possessing the same mindset and qualities. Onlookers kept asking questions like are these two dating already? But you see, to him, questions like this was worthless and needed no reply. My instincts told me several times to shun him and pay attention to others who might want to have me all to themselves. But the harm has been done already.
The news about my feelings for him spread like bushfire. I actually thought I could trust my lawyers and confidants about secret keeping and being discreet but my never-ending-story dashed out like a fire. It kept burning and even when I wanted to quench it with my sweet utterances, I grew numb. They lost the trust and close friendship we once had and I swore never to trust anyone with my utterances again because people will always remain the same.
I got the hate and frown from people who wanted to have me and I felt terrible. I couldn’t go close and be myself. The lukewarm attitude begun to set in and depression was eating me up like cancer in the blood. I became reclusive and stopped participating in activities once I knew they will definitely go. It’s not that I was leaving my responsibilities towards God’s work and being a cowardice; but rather, I didnt want things to escalate. He will be there, they will be there, and I will be there too and I can’t handle a teasing game or mockery from either sides- that will break my heart.
I could sense an antagonizing pain and hatred on faces; even with smiles that covered it. It was like they were wearing a mask that needs to be taken off. But you see, that wasn’t my worry at all because, I allowed this to happen to me. And somehow, I knew this day would come. My greatest fear was he would take advantage of the love that flowed freely through my veins, nourishing me and making me whole. I feared he may have done it before with his past relationships and this time round I wanted to guard my heart and I was willing to put my life on the line in doing so. I desperately wanted to protect my fragile heart from him but this heart of mine always had a soft spot for him, it ached for him, it would cry out to him during my numerous sleepless nights when he was far from me. It wept for him on his bad days and talked to God on his behalf, asking the Almighty to keep him safe and to protect him from the danger that was himself. It would turn a blind eye to his mistakes, for it loved and it loved dearly.
My heart was the only home I wanted him to know, a place where he could come and find peace when everything around him was in disarray. Even though there was nothing going on and people kept insinuating, in my heart of hearts, I knew a relationship with him is non-existent and he might not see me worthy of a wife. Truth is, I didn’t see myself meeting his standards or criteria of a woman.
Anytime I got close to him, my silence, was the home I wanted him to run to when the world was on his neck, chocking him and suffocating him with its unrealistic expectations. It was the home I wanted him to come to, when things were going his way, when he was winning his battles with life. I thought of the days I will steal glances at him and I will steal friendly hugs from him. I would place my head on his chest, to feel his heart beating not only to keep me alive but for him.
He would listen to the sound of my heart beating for him, the rhythm was his lullaby and I would watch him talk about Christ and his work. I would wrap my hands around his neck, hold him, close my eyes and breathe in heavily to take in that beautiful moment and gradually fall asleep with him in my arms, in his safe place.
The story continues… Wait for Chapter 4 in the Next post!
FYI-means (For Your Information)
Photo credit : my Gallery